College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
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[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah