College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?