Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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Jurassic park gets weird
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.