Employees must applaud the planets.
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.