Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
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6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.