Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
no cat here
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.