College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover