You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
You Might Also Like
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
There is wisdom there.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible