Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Meow
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
how long have you had this for?
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Great acting.. 😂
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”