@Home_Halfway: Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down.
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@DiamondLou69: "I'm definitely gonna hit that later tonight!" - Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
@TheBoydP: All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time...
@garrettbarry70: [At job interview] M. "No, English is my second language." I. "What's your first language then?" M. "Emoji."