[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
You Might Also Like
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Webb. James Webb.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex