[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
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Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
A couple who are silly together stay together.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes