“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
You Might Also Like
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….