*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
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Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
LOL!