My birth announcement for our third baby
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …