@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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@thatUPSdude: Fire Marshal: So why did you shoot off the flare gun? Me: Well I was out of ranch and the waitress kept walking past my table.
@GABBYdaAngSaya: [I see a cute girl reading a novel] "Hi there. I couldn't help but notice-" *points at book* "That you support the murder of trees."
@thecoliny: DATE: so what kind of writing do you do? ME: um, cursive, regular… DATE: no I mean- ME: actually I can't do cursive :/
@WeissBrandon: Cop: do you know why I was following you? Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me? Cop:haha Me:haha Cop... Me... Is it cause of the drugs?