Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
socratic questions
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?