Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?