Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything