“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?