Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”