Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?