Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.