-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I am yelling
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”