COME ON KRUSE #fencing
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A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?