“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon