“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?