“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
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Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I have no passwords left in me
Time heals everything 🙂
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Finally a use for spoilers…