@3sunzzz: Come on royal family, it's not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what's-his-face.
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@Pork_Chop_Hair: Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that's cool.
@Phoebetate: Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I'm too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I'm not too old for a pimple on the forehead
@Thrill_Tweeter: Twitter - to help future generations discover if there's ever been any mental illness in the family.
@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell] Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA" Me - "um...ok?" [Satan checks list] "Is your name Garfield?" "No" "Huh. List says Garfield"