“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more