COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
the rocks need my help
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.