“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
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Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.