@Hammer_Toe: Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.
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@AaronFullerton: Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren't the worst. Me: Wall-E's friend was a cockroach. Wife: Except that.
@fsuflores: An ice bucket challenge ... But for when teenagers don't want to get out of bed and get ready for school.
@Diversion50: "Get Well Soon" is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
@Ristolable: [First day of prison] "Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?" Sure, I'll call you. Just give me your cell number *gets stabbed*