Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”