Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.