[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
The glory of fall.