Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
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My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point