I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
oh my god
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!