*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.