*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop