[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
There is no “we” in pizza
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
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Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”