[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
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If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
synchronized noseblowing
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.