*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
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Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Breaking news:
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.