@murrman5: *comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
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@NowAPisces: Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled "supplies!"
@jonnysun: [puts cone of shame on dog] ME: (to dog) sory buddy DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
@GodShammGod9: My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said " everyone here is alive because I got laid ".
@PaperWash: me: God? God: yes my child me: I need help- God: ask and thou shall receive me: -moving into my new apt God: me: God: me: hello?