*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL