*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
cry laughing at this shit
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Doctors texting each other.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!