*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
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me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”