[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
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So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
wtf is an acronym
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
i now pronounce you bounced.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes