comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
🤣🤣🤣
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.