@Fred_Delicious: Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says "sorry we don't serve your type in here"
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@murrman5: [interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes
@SassyTxGirl83: Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard..... Pillow fight
@BlindChow: "Daddy, there's a mime under the bed!" That's ridiculous, why would you think that? "Listen!" *complete silence* OH DEAR GOD RUN
@Pro_Jones_: (Job Interview) Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself. Me: I'm unemployed. I: How about something personal? Me: Personally I need a job.