[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)