ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
You Might Also Like
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
our love story in four pictures
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
U talkin 2 me?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
you gotta be faster
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else